I could apologize for the picture above, but I’m frightened and giggling like a fool. Another thing I don’t pretend to understand- why own and buy vinyl when you don’t have a record player? But that’s not why I’m here.
I also will try to post more on here; not sure what the founder of this great blog is up to these days. I mean, he’s my friend and I work with him, but he doesn’t appear on here too often. Which is a damn shame, because he’s got great opinions on vinyl.
I have to explain better. I got a NEW record player for my birthday from my friend, “House of Style Brother” Dylan. The other one came to an unfortunate end. I wept. Because I really loved that old stereo system with the double cassette and 5 CD-disc player model. Yep, it still had a double cassette player. The thing was smoking when I went to turn it on one day, and then it just Stopped. Dead. In. My. Tracks. Sorry, I’m referencing a Duran Duran B-side. Anyway, he got me a small carry along model that I can pack up and bring with me. Believe me, I’ve thought about bringing it to the store! Anyhow, I also thought it a cool idea to take pictures of random 45’s and vinyl that I found when I was bringing out the vinyl to play on the nifty record player, and post them on Instagram. And my followers had a lot of cool things to stay. Jurkones even offered to buy my Eddy Grant “Electric Avenue” 45 from me. (Sorry, dude, I can’t part with it.) I also was quite appalled to find a number of vinyl that I own that made my stomach churn like the fiery kiln of Martha Stewart’s Pottery Barn. Spring cleaning is in full force here at Casa de Coan, and I found even more revolting records. So here’s a top 10 of the worst vinyl I found so far- don’t worry, friends, I have another 28 crates to go through, and 14 in John M’s basement in Mundelein, from when I moved here in 2011. Here’s the rundown of the first 10 vinyl records/45’s that I found that made me shriek out loud. PS- These are in no order of suck, either. They’re all equally appalling.
1. All Out of Love- Air Supply.- The only explanation I have for this is that it HAD to be my mom’s 45 and got mixed in the move. Her 45’s and vinyl always had “Karen” written on them, in case anyone would ever have thought my 7 year old self would wish to sway and croon along with one of the higher charting duos in 70’s and 80’s music. Uh, no. I just don’t get it. I know, she tried real hard to get me and my brother into Air Supply. I remember we both liked the Bee-Gees, any of the soul she played, and Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting”, which was my brother’s favorite of all songs, if I recall. She also tried with the Captain and Tennille (which I was telling Dave about the other day because the Captain and Tennille popped up in his trivia round. I think?), to no avail. I remember liking Heart, the Monkees, ALL disco except that swinehoond KC, Three Dog Night, and Billy and Elton- even then! I never got Air Supply. I used to hear the beginning of that cheesy mid-tempo trying to up-tempo start, and I would beg to take a nap. Then, as now, I’m not fond of naps. I would BEG TO TAKE A NAP. My mom wouldn’t play records if one of us wanted to take a nap. I learned quickly how to side-step that landmine. Of course, she figured it out and played it MORE. I love my mama, rest her soul, but I will never love the Air Supply. So, Air Supply and I will never dance the tango of love. If I ever have to hear it again, I fear I may set a Packers flag on fire. Take it to the bank.
2. Don’t Forget Me When I’m Gone- Glass Tiger– Oh, Glass Tiger, I think you may have overstayed your welcome in my vinyl closet when I heard that song “Someday“. Not a fan of that, not a fan of this, not a fan of their first album. I’m not sure why I found this in my vinyl collection, unless it was a gift from my grandma, who liked to buy vinyl for us, or a friend. Or a misguided choice from my mom. There were a lot of bands/singers we disagreed about with her, as well as many that we agree upon. All records were played in our house. Respect for all those who owned records/45’s. I honestly do not remember buying this ever, because I didn’t care for Glass Tiger. If I wanted music like this, I preferred Level 42. Seriously. Glass Tiger seemed like lukewarm version of cream soda. And you all know what I think of cream soda.
3. Theme from Moonlighting- Al Jarreau– I do, unfortunately, know why I own this. I always had an affinity for ABC television shows. Moonlighting was one of my favorites. And not just because it was funny or I coveted Cybil Shepherd’s over hair sprayed helmet head. No, people, I had a crush on Bruce Willis. Beth F and I used to have entire conversations at BAM about our shared crush over Bruce Willis. With, or without hair. Yes, people, Bruce Willis once had hair. And a cheesy show. Which I adored. In true fashion, the young fangirl (before being a fangirl was even a thing) bought anything and everything associated with Moonlighting or Bruce Willis. Including the official soundtrack album, on cassette. And this 45, which I found at K-Mart and my mom got for me (she also watched Moonlighting). I tried, kids, really, I did. I put it on the new record player. It is not in good shape, from years of playing it (or 2 seasons, which is all the show lasted, if I’m remembering right). I made it about 20 seconds and my skin was crawling. Bye, bye, Al Jarreau. It’s a damn good thing that not all of our childhood favorites make it to the adult list. Yikes!
4. Bad Medicine- Bon Jovi-— I do not like Bon Jovi. Rather, I like a few songs- Livin’ On A Prayer and Wanted (Dead or Alive). This has to be one where any liking I had of Jon Bon Jovi went south. Although, as I have noted in other posts, the minute he went from being the rocker in the ripped jeans, fringe jacket, and tri-colored mullet rocker hair to getting it chopped off, highlighted, and dressing in gold lame (on that pretentious box set, like he was Elvis!) suits, along with the shorn locks went what little vestiges of talent may have been there. “Your love is like bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need”. Apparently, I need this shit ass 45 as well. Don’t worry, you don’t have to dispose of it, I already did it. Yuck. No idea why I owned this or where it came from, but I should have a cleansing done over my vinyl collection to remove the Bon Jovi Ju Ju.
5. The Lady In Red- Chris DeBurgh= Someone picked this song in the much-heralded 80’s March Madness bracket at the store last March… (Andrew? Was it you?) and I loudly scarfed and make farting noises when that was revealed. Imagine my horrified yelp when I found it in one of my vinyl crates. I did not like the song in the 80’s and I do not like it now. In the true spirit of age bringing wisdom and all that crap, I put it on the new player and listened. And cringed. And talked back to the crooning sap on the record. Ugh. No thanks. I can think of nicer romantic songs from the 80’s, if I were to ever engage in such a discussion with friends of mine equally obsessed by that decade. This one is for the shit pile.
6. Games- New Kids On The Block-– Well, I wonder if this is Shannon’s (my sister) old 45. SHE was obsessed with them the way I was with Duran. I did like NKOTB, but I actually liked their last album the best. “Tonight” and “Step By Step” are pretty solid for a group that was getting ready to disband. “Games” is a song that is best described as tepid crap trying to be rap. Boston style. Annoying, clichéd, lame. Like drinking a cup of tea peppered with pure cane sugar and manure. No thanks.
7. One Night In Bangkok- Murray Head-– Remember this gem from the Broadway musical “Chess”? No? That’s ok, I never meant to bring back bad memories from the Golden Decade. This little Broadway musical and concept album had roots in that the dudes in ABBA were behind it, along with Tim Rice, later known largely for “The Lion King”. Now that you have that useless information, why do I own this 45? I must have had it years before I met Heidi, my best friend. She’s STILL obsessed with that song. I never quite got it and never quite got it. I think my brother and I used to make fun of the title because, naturally, we turned it into something dirty. So, I guess that’s good for memories, eh? But really, I do not like this and would definitely throw a M-80 at the motherfucker singing in the video (swarmy bastage).
8. Strut- Sheena Easton– Now remember, I am not a huge fan of Sheena Easton. I like some of her songs and I love the song with Prince, but this is song sucks. Hated it then, hate it now. I have matured a bit. I used to sing “Slut” instead of “Strut”. I. Just. Hate. It.
9. Total Eclipse Of The Heart- Bonnie Tyler- Well, you had to know at some point this was going to make an appearance. My dislike of this started way before Biceps For Jesus adopted it as his anthem and further killed any potential inkling of like. The video? Even in a decade known for excess, this one was WAY over the top in the ludicrous tent. I don’t remember whom did what, but there are several fabulous parodies of it on Youtube. Check them out, so much better than the song. I think this one may have been a 45 my mom coveted but somehow it ended up mixed in with my stuff. Not a fan, kids. Not a fan.
10. Kokomo- Beach Boys-– I know I’m going to get shit for this one. From one of the worst Tom Cruise movies every made, the bile-inducing COCKTAIL, this is a low point for the Beach Boys. I know a ton of people who love to crank this song at parties and I hear it a lot in the summertime, at the beaches, at the horse stables, you get the idea. I love the Beach Boys, and I’m sure that Richie and I will have a spirited discussion about my dissing of this. I just don’t like it. I don’t think the boys would have done it if they hadn’t been…well…brainwashed. I’m blaming Tom Cruise and his Merry Brand of Scientologists for the Beach Boys doing this. Ugh.
Would you fucking believe that as I was writing this post, “All Out Of Love” came on the radio? Yeah, of course. Talk about the universe (or the great beyond) sending a mixed message. So… I hope you enjoyed some of the revolting records in my collection.